17 years ago vs. yesterday

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Eleanor spoke the truth. What about intense sadness, whose consent is required for that? While cleaning out the basement, I was face with photographs, many framed photos, “not enough wall space many”…..was told maybe I should take the pictures out of the frames.

The suggestion broke me down. Snapped me into fragments, all I could see was what was gone. Never to return, the little babies, or a younger me, a younger us, with nothing but love and hope in our eyes, the innocence of not knowing how fucking hard life will be. Then verses now…..

So does crying help? Not at all. Not fucking at all.

I don’t feel inferior, I feel sad. I don’t think I am weak because of this I just feel broken, like a smashed windshield.

Holding it together unable to see.

worst movie ever

Everybody isn't fine.

living mostly outside

It's inspiring to imagine a place where you could actually live like this.

winter

When did it ever last so long? I really do not recall such a relentless winter. It's wearing on me as everything, I mean everything, is harder to do in the snow.

The promise of spring is only vaguely believable.

Two of my loved ones will be driving through this blizzard, which has me on edge. I will just have to "keep calm and carry on."

peace~
ub

can we make a difference?

I can only try.

ani defranco

I will be spending my evening with my husband and Ani, at Oberlin College......I have wanted to see and hear her for years.

smile

OK so, life may be showing some signs of hope. I started this day with this photo, because I can only guess at what prompted everything from the color choice to the decision to sell, and was wondering who lives in both sides. In my mind the green family looks like more my type because they decided that the small house was enough and they made it their own with paint. The pink side looks more austere to me...like old money, old shrewd money... that had to sell part of their home for some horrific reason. But this is all play in my head,as I don't really care or have any clue.

I call this mental distraction.

just beathe

Everyday I wake up, and say something good might happen today. Everyday there is a chance......right?

end of an era

(James at Senior Parents night- it's tradition that they dress up silly)

So this is it. I have gone to my last High School sporting event. May not mean much to anyone, but when you have children very close in age, not even three years between them, suddenly you are face with the void......the empty nest.

This fall they will all be away at college. I mean 5, 8, and 10 hours away by car, living their own lives. My home will be so quiet and empty. I don't know how to be alone.

This summer is the last summer we will all be together. After that my one son will be doing co-ops, my daughter will be staying in NYC.... maybe my other son will come home. I can't even imagine, since I do not even know where home will be.

We have made the decision to sell the house and downsize. Our home is just too big, a money pit, and requires too much work for just two people. I am looking for more land and less house, if that is even possible around here. Eventually we would like to be in a position to we pick where we live, but until the business stabilizes, all we can do is plan for it.

Long story short, I grew attached to our family and our home, and both are changing. It's very normal, but not easy. I never wanted to stay in one place too long, but we did for the children, and now I have sad thoughts about it all changing.

I know our future will be good....it's just that it will be very different.

never change

The inability to be kind, loving and understanding will never become an ability for those that are my living family of origin. I am sorry to continually contemplate this, as I know this is not uncommon....it makes so many things make sense. The hurt is real, and deep.

I now understand many people better. I understand their pain, their frustration and their sadness. I understand why they turn to different things to quiet the hurt, whether it's drugs, risky behavior, or irresponsible decisions.

I have been blindly living in denial. I never needed their love and support to get by before, so I assumed it was there. I knew that they were kind of mean and cold towards me growing up, but I made excuses. I finished college and I moved away. I was happy living away but I started forgetting the family negatives. I began believing I had a close-to-perfect family. I missed that "perfect" family, I missed being there. I wanted to be near them. I truly believe they existed. Pffft, what an idiot I was.

idol

I have to admit I like the show, all those young people trying so hard, facing the stress, and singing their hearts out. I am so proud of them. I have my two favorites so far, dread-lock girl, and tall blondie boy. I don’t even know their names yet, oh I guess I could look it up, but too lazy atm.

Okay…… Casey James and Crystal Bowersox

so sweet

I woke up today, went to take a shower, there was no hot water....dragged myself down to the kitchen, and found this inspiring painted note left for me. All the priming had been completely finished after I went to bed last night. I hate painting rooms and I knew I had a full day of it on top of everything else. My beautiful daughter, did this for me. I was so touched I started crying. How proud I am of her, and what a sweet thing to do. She knows how difficult everything is, and she is stepping up and helping so much.

Today we should be able to paint the first coat and the kitchen can be finished by the weekend. Keep calm and carry on.

Filled with love.
peace~ ub

holding on

It get stales, being worried and stressed. I am left with nothing to consider, as most is out of my control. So here I go again, trying to plow through the situation. Seemingly alone, even though I know that is not true.

I wake up every morning to a brand new day. Today something good will happen. And whatever it is I will try to remember it, and hold on to it.

silver lining

At least my family (of origin) members are assholes towards everyone.

I took comfort in knowing it wasn't just me. That is really pathetic.

never stops

Yesterday I found out that, my 17 year-old niece has been in a in-house rehab center since Christmas. I found out - not from my family, not from my mother or my brother (her father) who both live not more than 4 miles from me. My niece is in my son’s class, same school, he didn’t even know. Mind you, this news comes after the fact that no one ever told me that her step-father died right before Christmas. I learned about that from my accountant.

I ran into my niece’s mother at the store, gave her a big bear hug, because of the loss of her husband, she was the one to tell me about rehab. I felt so bad that I had no clue and that I was of no help to her during her struggles.

We left it that we were going to reconnect my daughter, her daughter….and both of us. I always liked her, and even referred to her as my sister-in-law in the store, even though she isn’t. The girls were close when they were younger and they both deserve the chance to be family – the good kind of family.

I can not understand these people (my family of origin). During all this my brother has not once participated in any of the family meetings at the rehab center. He looks the other way, and to top it off he is suing his ex-wife for custody and modified child support - she will be 18 later this month. What an asshole.

she has no choice wear she's going

So another week has gone by, and still in the same mess as before. Everyday I wake up thinking; yes, today something good will happen, and of course it does, and for that I am thankful. It's just the good things that happen are the short moments of life, and they happen all the time weather you are struggling or not. The are the moments that you remember, and the moments you cherish, but they don't solve HUGE problems.

The problems linger until something changes. Working toward change is tough, and on a personal scale can be painful. Many times I just want to cry. So I do, and when I am finished, nothing has changed. (except I look like shit)

So today is a free day, a day to set goal get something accomplished and to remember:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

No matter how hard they try, and how cruel and unloving they can be. I am truly seeing the worst in humanity from my very own family of origin. I look forward to the day when I am out of this mess, and far away form anything related to them. I was a fool, many times over, to think they were people of integrity and character.

It's alright. Here comes the sun.

wrong car

So I am looking out my office window, and I notice that the tail lights on my car are on. I think to myself, "did I leave my lights on?...my battery will be dead!" I am putting my coat on and watching my car, very confused at what I am seeing. Then all of a sudden a woman gets out of the drivers seat, and she is also just stunned with confusion....she's looking at the car in bewilderment....then she all of a sudden, starts jogging a few rows over.

She got in my car, tried to start it, and when she realized what she did she scurried away.....it made me laugh so hard. There was a lot of snow today, and most people would think that if it wasn't their car it wouldn't have unlocked by pushing the button.

Obviously, I forgot to lock my car.....so funny. I am sure she has a car that looks exactly like mine, she sure tried to start long enough. I could have missed the whole scene had I not been looking out the window....that's my happy story today.

Life is still hell.

perfect storm

That is were I am, in the middle of a perfect storm. Everyday, another unforeseen, impossible to imagine, issues hits the fan. I'd call it shit, but it's so out of the ordinary that it boarders on some sort of social-econ-fiction. Just when I think I have come up with a somewhat decent plan to get out of this storm, the gods just wont let it be.

I'll take my punches again tomorrow....

......sometimes wish I just didn't care.

selling my baby

As this economy weakens, those of us who paid our taxes and bailed out the assholes who raped the world....are feeling the pain big time. We, the business owners and employers, are the ones who go to jail, get penalties, get assessed fines, and get our credit ruined if we even think about being a day late or a dollar short.

F them all.....every last one of them; from the banks to insurance and pharmaceuticals to petroleum companies, and while I am at it, F the morons that allowed it all to happen.

I am one pissed off camper. But in reality, I am lucky just to be alive - what a blast! I was carefully and lovingly reminded today, that it's not really my baby....I have many real babies and I would never sell any of them (it's illegal anyway)

peace~
ub

letting go

That's right, that is the newest challenge, it has been identified. With that in mind, I think that this next year will prove to be one heck of a challenge. There is no option, there is no choice. The little voice that says "I can't" isn't allowed to speak anymore. No more blame, no more second guessing, no regrets allowed.

Moving from very complicated to very simple. It's going to take time, and hard work and letting go. It will not happen over night. No more waiting for the next shoe to drop, it already has.

not starting off too well

So all my high hopes for 2010 are vanishing before my eyes.

I need to remember how this feels so that when things are going better, and a friend feels down, I will honestly understand. Maybe I will be able to help them, just maybe.