so excited for the new now

I am so absolutely excited about my new personal direction thought wise. I have very small plans, very doable dreams, and goals.....well okay no real goals yet. I have never been much of a goal setter, but now it's time.

It's all so clear, it's about truly living the least complicated life on all fronts. It's about ridding of toxic influences and heavy accumulations of stuff/issues over the past 20 plus years.

I am what I am, if you don't like it then too (f-ing) bad. I am just a person who is trying. A person who has overcome great obstacles and finally realizes that my life actually does belong to me.

And I thank my many friends close and far away, those I know well and those I only know a little, who have help in big and small ways to guide me to this place.

Seriously even a homeless guy, I spoke of before, he made a lasting impression on me with his words in an encounter that lasted 3 minutes at most. How awesome is that?

*funny to me, how my favorite color is clear and I have a dog named Ice.

peace~

i allowed the "diss" in dysfunction

Growing up means making tough choices. That's how I see it today. Finally after years of tolerating extreme negative family dynamics, I have put my foot down and no longer will I subject myself and my family to it.

It's rough because I always thought that just doing the "right thing" was the right thing to do. Why is it right to allow people to be cruel, uncaring, malicious and back stabbing? Why is it right to go to a holiday dinner because someone else expects you there? Why is subjecting one's self to the negative environment even close to right by calling it "family responsibility" ?

If I had done it sooner, it would have been better.

Lesson learned: if the stove is hot STOP touching it....the stove doesn't care if you burn yourself.

the scale is no longer my battle

I am three pounds away from my second goal. No longer is the battle with the number, now it is with exercise and what chose I eat. I cut out meat several months ago. I am not militant about it. I occasionally still eat fish, dairy and eggs. Processed foods are rarely even purchased and fast food is not even a desire. I am looking to grow more veggies next year and buy local from stands and farmers markets.

I'd say my weaknesses are Good and Plentys, ice cream and coffee.

It feels good not to start the new year resolving to lose weight.

peace~

ten years ago

ages 8, 9, and 10

seriously - enough

Finding my peaceful place within.....if only everyone could find peace.

young love in a f-ed up world

Wow, think it's hard to suffer a broken heart? How about watching your son be berated by his girlfriend's parents when they don't even know him. The old boyfriend first told numerous lies to this girl's mother, finally he fessed up and they were allowed to see each other. We thought the worst was over.

I just found out the old boyfriend was spying or peeping through our windows the other night as they watch a movie. This came up because I had tied the curtains back for the holidays with gold ribbon, and my son said he may have to untie them....I asked why?...then the stalking episode was describe to me.

So first this old boyfriend lies and he fesses up to telling lies, and now he is just plain stalking their every move and reporting back to the girl's mother. What a sick puppy!

Today they came to our house for their lunch break, I was home. Low and behold the mother finds out (how creepy is that?) and she isn't happy about it and now once again, my son isn't acceptable for their daughter.

Man this burns me up. My son is a senior, a swim captain, he doesn't drink and he stays home almost every night. He only goes swim parties and dances that have parent chaperons.

raaaaaghhhhh! Looking for my chi again......still looking.....

hit with a ton of bricks

That's what it feels like when someone (who is supposed to love you) takes cheap shots and jabs at someone you love. People can be cruel and insensitive, but this was premeditated a calculated.

I have lost any remaining shred of respect for my family-of-origin (living) that I may have had before tonight. Now I must practice what I preach...eliminate the emotional poison that others are hell-bent on throwing my way.

As much as my first reaction is to fight back, I have nothing to gain by prolonging my negative emotions and feelings. Nothing positive will be created from me expressing anger and hurt.

I will instead focus on what my reality is and what I love. When I make this decision they are unable to hurt me.... and I like it that way.

peace~

who's competative?

It ended in a stalemate....she's 27 and I am not.... no way was I going to lose!

sweet and sour

That's how it's going, sweet and sour. Life is good right now. Many things are very very difficult but some things are over the top totally awesome...the yin and yang. So what does that do to a person emotionally? Well I can speak for my self, it's a roller coaster. I can manage it. I understand it all, there are concrete issues with real life consequences. This phase of the roller coaster is very clear and easy to identify, yet my reactions are mixed.

I am finding bits strength in just being quiet....quieting my mind.....I have less room for anger and hurt...it seems I will no longer tolerate those two emotions cluttering my mind and wasting my time. I actually kick them out of my head when they appear. Sometimes quickly and sometimes it takes a while....but I know now when they show up, it's my immediate goal to kick them out....it's so simple it makes me smile.

I make the effort not to "keep" or "hold on" to ideas and perceptions that cause anger or hurt. Why the heck did it take so long for me to grasp this concept? And how many more times will I have to re-learn it?

I know I will stumble, but I don't believe I will fall.

peace~

beautiful shot

day 29 and 28 useless

so now on day 27 - tomorrow - I have to do three things to de-clutter......

day 30 - counting backwards

Today is day thirty...of my de-clutter project. So boring I know, but I have to do it this way or I will not do it. It's like the weight thingie...I had to talk about it, to actually get it done.

Day thirty action item: taking at least 25 items to Good Will.

Side note: 2 pounds away from first goal at the Dr office, and you know their scales lie!......I feel good now without that nagging burden of always wanting to lose weight...If I can lose 7 more pounds...then I will stop talking about it completely. :)

sometimes I have to speak

Wanted to leave this note for a parent who was being a totally rude, cowardly ignorant jerk. Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance even though I made my best effort.

I did my best.

peace~

keep me where the light is

I just ordered a book to actually read. Maybe this time I will actually take the time required to really read. If I had to wait places then I know I could do it, but no those days have past. If I had to commute a distance I could do it, but no... I can work from home and the office is only two miles away.


If if if.....omg stfu and just do it! Man do I need it. Photo of book below.

heavy sigh

I realize that if you give of yourself to someone who knows nothing about love you run the risk of substantial betrayal. I believe that a person who does not know love, knows nothing about loyalty. They really do not know what they do, nor do they see the connection, between what happens to them and their own actions.

What a fool I was, repeatedly, to keep believing in someone who has never experienced love.

I am stunned at my failure to see clearly. Just stunned. But pleased - I can see now.

~peace
ub

One Snap

Okay since I have lost all ability to focus on the many things that evade my days, I am moving to a one photo per day blog. One photo to capture a moment in a day in my life, they wont all be pretty but I hope they mean something....I know it's not an original thought but I like it just the same. I am starting with yesterday.

Photos can be view on the right column...where is says One Snap

ponder this

Great article, about our "throw away lifestyle."

3" x 5" sticker for sale.

This sticker can be purchased at Cafe Press - just follow the link below the sticker. Let your voice be heard. It is a matter of life and death. It is a disgrace to all in America that I live and others die because, and only because, I have insurance and they do not.


Come visit my store on CafePress!

Life is good, even when it's hard

Spent the whole last week at the hospital with my Mother, she is getting better which is good.

I am at my lowest weight in years and have 1.6 pounds to lose for my first goal and 6.6 ponds to lose for my realistic ultimate goal. I could make that 5 more, but everyone says not to get too thin. In any case much of the recent loss has come from stress and lack of appetite so I am trying to get back to reality and eating. I quit eating meat a while back and I don't miss it at all.

For a couple days all I wanted to eat/drink was coffee and candy. Nice diet ~NOT!

This economy sucks for us.....not sure how everything will turn out.

Right know I am just trying to keep my sh*t together and take care of everyone the best I can. Peace ~ ub