Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year!

I wish I could drink and party my ass off without having a hangover from hell on January 1st. By saying this I hope I am subconsciously preventing that very thing.

Happy new year to you all: Thinking of resolutions now....mostly along the same lines as my current mood.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

to send or not to send?

Will it make things worse?

Will it make things better?

Will it be ridiculed?

Did I write it for myself?

Will it matter one way or another?

Will I regret my effort?

Will I regret not sending it?

Who even cares?

Why did I bother?

Will I be happy I sent it?

Is this an honest effort?

Sunday, December 27, 2009

most adorable

This isn't our puppy, it is a rescue from an unplanned litter (?) Anyway, I was lucky enough to have it spend Christmas Day with me and my family. Nothing but love from this tiny 6 week old baby girl we call "Mocha". She got to play with Ice and Batman and everything was irie.

Just a sweet being.....that will need a home soon.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

just too much

I am losing my enthusiasm for this Christmas holiday that is celebrated (in USA) by buying shit for people that don't need it, or don't want it, with money that someone else could use for a much more noble purpose.

Anyway, this is a whacked-out way to celebrate this holiday. People are hungry and by the way, even in America people go hungry.

Why would any one's "God" want us to celebrate in such a gluttonous manner?

I was raise with this BS, and seriously it makes me feel creepy now. I have been through the years of "Santa" bringing everything, making everything look magical and staying up all hours for what ???? to teach what???? I am pissed that I was that way.

Maybe the fact that I am working on no sleep because I spent last night in the ER has fueled my foul mood - not quite sure. (Everyone is fine - just a scary migraine that had to be checked out.) Maybe it's the fact that my Mother thought I was coming over for Christmas day when I told her twice that I was not - and I had to tell her yet once again, and she acts all surprised.

I will get over it, and I will change for the better, just makes for a rough few days of witnessing the over-the-top commercialism, commerce and consumption.

Change is in the air - it starts with me - it starts today.

Peace to all.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

so excited for the new now

I am so absolutely excited about my new personal direction thought wise. I have very small plans, very doable dreams, and goals.....well okay no real goals yet. I have never been much of a goal setter, but now it's time.

It's all so clear, it's about truly living the least complicated life on all fronts. It's about ridding of toxic influences and heavy accumulations of stuff/issues over the past 20 plus years.

I am what I am, if you don't like it then too (f-ing) bad. I am just a person who is trying. A person who has overcome great obstacles and finally realizes that my life actually does belong to me.

And I thank my many friends close and far away, those I know well and those I only know a little, who have help in big and small ways to guide me to this place.

Seriously even a homeless guy, I spoke of before, he made a lasting impression on me with his words in an encounter that lasted 3 minutes at most. How awesome is that?

*funny to me, how my favorite color is clear and I have a dog named Ice.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

i allowed the "diss" in dysfunction

Growing up means making tough choices. That's how I see it today. Finally after years of tolerating extreme negative family dynamics, I have put my foot down and no longer will I subject myself and my family to it.

It's rough because I always thought that just doing the "right thing" was the right thing to do. Why is it right to allow people to be cruel, uncaring, malicious and back stabbing? Why is it right to go to a holiday dinner because someone else expects you there? Why is subjecting one's self to the negative environment even close to right by calling it "family responsibility" ?

If I had done it sooner, it would have been better.

Lesson learned: if the stove is hot STOP touching it....the stove doesn't care if you burn yourself.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

the scale is no longer my battle

I am three pounds away from my second goal. No longer is the battle with the number, now it is with exercise and what chose I eat. I cut out meat several months ago. I am not militant about it. I occasionally still eat fish, dairy and eggs. Processed foods are rarely even purchased and fast food is not even a desire. I am looking to grow more veggies next year and buy local from stands and farmers markets.

I'd say my weaknesses are Good and Plentys, ice cream and coffee.

It feels good not to start the new year resolving to lose weight.


ten years ago

ages 8, 9, and 10

Monday, December 14, 2009

seriously - enough

Finding my peaceful place within.....if only everyone could find peace.

young love in a f-ed up world

Wow, think it's hard to suffer a broken heart? How about watching your son be berated by his girlfriend's parents when they don't even know him. The old boyfriend first told numerous lies to this girl's mother, finally he fessed up and they were allowed to see each other. We thought the worst was over.

I just found out the old boyfriend was spying or peeping through our windows the other night as they watch a movie. This came up because I had tied the curtains back for the holidays with gold ribbon, and my son said he may have to untie them....I asked why?...then the stalking episode was describe to me.

So first this old boyfriend lies and he fesses up to telling lies, and now he is just plain stalking their every move and reporting back to the girl's mother. What a sick puppy!

Today they came to our house for their lunch break, I was home. Low and behold the mother finds out (how creepy is that?) and she isn't happy about it and now once again, my son isn't acceptable for their daughter.

Man this burns me up. My son is a senior, a swim captain, he doesn't drink and he stays home almost every night. He only goes swim parties and dances that have parent chaperons.

raaaaaghhhhh! Looking for my chi again......still looking.....

Sunday, December 13, 2009

hit with a ton of bricks

That's what it feels like when someone (who is supposed to love you) takes cheap shots and jabs at someone you love. People can be cruel and insensitive, but this was premeditated a calculated.

I have lost any remaining shred of respect for my family-of-origin (living) that I may have had before tonight. Now I must practice what I preach...eliminate the emotional poison that others are hell-bent on throwing my way.

As much as my first reaction is to fight back, I have nothing to gain by prolonging my negative emotions and feelings. Nothing positive will be created from me expressing anger and hurt.

I will instead focus on what my reality is and what I love. When I make this decision they are unable to hurt me.... and I like it that way.


Saturday, December 12, 2009

who's competative?

It ended in a stalemate....she's 27 and I am not.... no way was I going to lose!

sweet and sour

That's how it's going, sweet and sour. Life is good right now. Many things are very very difficult but some things are over the top totally awesome...the yin and yang. So what does that do to a person emotionally? Well I can speak for my self, it's a roller coaster. I can manage it. I understand it all, there are concrete issues with real life consequences. This phase of the roller coaster is very clear and easy to identify, yet my reactions are mixed.

I am finding bits strength in just being quiet....quieting my mind.....I have less room for anger and seems I will no longer tolerate those two emotions cluttering my mind and wasting my time. I actually kick them out of my head when they appear. Sometimes quickly and sometimes it takes a while....but I know now when they show up, it's my immediate goal to kick them's so simple it makes me smile.

I make the effort not to "keep" or "hold on" to ideas and perceptions that cause anger or hurt. Why the heck did it take so long for me to grasp this concept? And how many more times will I have to re-learn it?

I know I will stumble, but I don't believe I will fall.