Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year!

I wish I could drink and party my ass off without having a hangover from hell on January 1st. By saying this I hope I am subconsciously preventing that very thing.

Happy new year to you all: Thinking of resolutions now....mostly along the same lines as my current mood.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

to send or not to send?

Will it make things worse?

Will it make things better?

Will it be ridiculed?

Did I write it for myself?

Will it matter one way or another?

Will I regret my effort?

Will I regret not sending it?

Who even cares?

Why did I bother?

Will I be happy I sent it?

Is this an honest effort?

Sunday, December 27, 2009

most adorable

This isn't our puppy, it is a rescue from an unplanned litter (?) Anyway, I was lucky enough to have it spend Christmas Day with me and my family. Nothing but love from this tiny 6 week old baby girl we call "Mocha". She got to play with Ice and Batman and everything was irie.

Just a sweet being.....that will need a home soon.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

just too much

I am losing my enthusiasm for this Christmas holiday that is celebrated (in USA) by buying shit for people that don't need it, or don't want it, with money that someone else could use for a much more noble purpose.

Anyway, this is a whacked-out way to celebrate this holiday. People are hungry and by the way, even in America people go hungry.

Why would any one's "God" want us to celebrate in such a gluttonous manner?

I was raise with this BS, and seriously it makes me feel creepy now. I have been through the years of "Santa" bringing everything, making everything look magical and staying up all hours for what ???? to teach what???? I am pissed that I was that way.

Maybe the fact that I am working on no sleep because I spent last night in the ER has fueled my foul mood - not quite sure. (Everyone is fine - just a scary migraine that had to be checked out.) Maybe it's the fact that my Mother thought I was coming over for Christmas day when I told her twice that I was not - and I had to tell her yet once again, and she acts all surprised.

I will get over it, and I will change for the better, just makes for a rough few days of witnessing the over-the-top commercialism, commerce and consumption.

Change is in the air - it starts with me - it starts today.

Peace to all.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

so excited for the new now

I am so absolutely excited about my new personal direction thought wise. I have very small plans, very doable dreams, and goals.....well okay no real goals yet. I have never been much of a goal setter, but now it's time.

It's all so clear, it's about truly living the least complicated life on all fronts. It's about ridding of toxic influences and heavy accumulations of stuff/issues over the past 20 plus years.

I am what I am, if you don't like it then too (f-ing) bad. I am just a person who is trying. A person who has overcome great obstacles and finally realizes that my life actually does belong to me.

And I thank my many friends close and far away, those I know well and those I only know a little, who have help in big and small ways to guide me to this place.

Seriously even a homeless guy, I spoke of before, he made a lasting impression on me with his words in an encounter that lasted 3 minutes at most. How awesome is that?

*funny to me, how my favorite color is clear and I have a dog named Ice.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

i allowed the "diss" in dysfunction

Growing up means making tough choices. That's how I see it today. Finally after years of tolerating extreme negative family dynamics, I have put my foot down and no longer will I subject myself and my family to it.

It's rough because I always thought that just doing the "right thing" was the right thing to do. Why is it right to allow people to be cruel, uncaring, malicious and back stabbing? Why is it right to go to a holiday dinner because someone else expects you there? Why is subjecting one's self to the negative environment even close to right by calling it "family responsibility" ?

If I had done it sooner, it would have been better.

Lesson learned: if the stove is hot STOP touching it....the stove doesn't care if you burn yourself.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

the scale is no longer my battle

I am three pounds away from my second goal. No longer is the battle with the number, now it is with exercise and what chose I eat. I cut out meat several months ago. I am not militant about it. I occasionally still eat fish, dairy and eggs. Processed foods are rarely even purchased and fast food is not even a desire. I am looking to grow more veggies next year and buy local from stands and farmers markets.

I'd say my weaknesses are Good and Plentys, ice cream and coffee.

It feels good not to start the new year resolving to lose weight.


ten years ago

ages 8, 9, and 10

Monday, December 14, 2009

seriously - enough

Finding my peaceful place within.....if only everyone could find peace.

young love in a f-ed up world

Wow, think it's hard to suffer a broken heart? How about watching your son be berated by his girlfriend's parents when they don't even know him. The old boyfriend first told numerous lies to this girl's mother, finally he fessed up and they were allowed to see each other. We thought the worst was over.

I just found out the old boyfriend was spying or peeping through our windows the other night as they watch a movie. This came up because I had tied the curtains back for the holidays with gold ribbon, and my son said he may have to untie them....I asked why?...then the stalking episode was describe to me.

So first this old boyfriend lies and he fesses up to telling lies, and now he is just plain stalking their every move and reporting back to the girl's mother. What a sick puppy!

Today they came to our house for their lunch break, I was home. Low and behold the mother finds out (how creepy is that?) and she isn't happy about it and now once again, my son isn't acceptable for their daughter.

Man this burns me up. My son is a senior, a swim captain, he doesn't drink and he stays home almost every night. He only goes swim parties and dances that have parent chaperons.

raaaaaghhhhh! Looking for my chi again......still looking.....

Sunday, December 13, 2009

hit with a ton of bricks

That's what it feels like when someone (who is supposed to love you) takes cheap shots and jabs at someone you love. People can be cruel and insensitive, but this was premeditated a calculated.

I have lost any remaining shred of respect for my family-of-origin (living) that I may have had before tonight. Now I must practice what I preach...eliminate the emotional poison that others are hell-bent on throwing my way.

As much as my first reaction is to fight back, I have nothing to gain by prolonging my negative emotions and feelings. Nothing positive will be created from me expressing anger and hurt.

I will instead focus on what my reality is and what I love. When I make this decision they are unable to hurt me.... and I like it that way.


Saturday, December 12, 2009

who's competative?

It ended in a stalemate....she's 27 and I am not.... no way was I going to lose!

sweet and sour

That's how it's going, sweet and sour. Life is good right now. Many things are very very difficult but some things are over the top totally awesome...the yin and yang. So what does that do to a person emotionally? Well I can speak for my self, it's a roller coaster. I can manage it. I understand it all, there are concrete issues with real life consequences. This phase of the roller coaster is very clear and easy to identify, yet my reactions are mixed.

I am finding bits strength in just being quiet....quieting my mind.....I have less room for anger and seems I will no longer tolerate those two emotions cluttering my mind and wasting my time. I actually kick them out of my head when they appear. Sometimes quickly and sometimes it takes a while....but I know now when they show up, it's my immediate goal to kick them's so simple it makes me smile.

I make the effort not to "keep" or "hold on" to ideas and perceptions that cause anger or hurt. Why the heck did it take so long for me to grasp this concept? And how many more times will I have to re-learn it?

I know I will stumble, but I don't believe I will fall.


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Monday, November 23, 2009

day 29 and 28 useless

so now on day 27 - tomorrow - I have to do three things to de-clutter......

Saturday, November 21, 2009

day 30 - counting backwards

Today is day thirty...of my de-clutter project. So boring I know, but I have to do it this way or I will not do it. It's like the weight thingie...I had to talk about it, to actually get it done.

Day thirty action item: taking at least 25 items to Good Will.

Side note: 2 pounds away from first goal at the Dr office, and you know their scales lie!......I feel good now without that nagging burden of always wanting to lose weight...If I can lose 7 more pounds...then I will stop talking about it completely. :)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

sometimes I have to speak

Wanted to leave this note for a parent who was being a totally rude, cowardly ignorant jerk. Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance even though I made my best effort.

I did my best.


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

keep me where the light is

I just ordered a book to actually read. Maybe this time I will actually take the time required to really read. If I had to wait places then I know I could do it, but no those days have past. If I had to commute a distance I could do it, but no... I can work from home and the office is only two miles away.

If if if.....omg stfu and just do it! Man do I need it. Photo of book below.

Monday, November 2, 2009

heavy sigh

I realize that if you give of yourself to someone who knows nothing about love you run the risk of substantial betrayal. I believe that a person who does not know love, knows nothing about loyalty. They really do not know what they do, nor do they see the connection, between what happens to them and their own actions.

What a fool I was, repeatedly, to keep believing in someone who has never experienced love.

I am stunned at my failure to see clearly. Just stunned. But pleased - I can see now.


Saturday, October 31, 2009

One Snap

Okay since I have lost all ability to focus on the many things that evade my days, I am moving to a one photo per day blog. One photo to capture a moment in a day in my life, they wont all be pretty but I hope they mean something....I know it's not an original thought but I like it just the same. I am starting with yesterday.

Photos can be view on the right column...where is says One Snap

Friday, October 16, 2009

ponder this

Great article, about our "throw away lifestyle."

Thursday, October 15, 2009

3" x 5" sticker for sale.

This sticker can be purchased at Cafe Press - just follow the link below the sticker. Let your voice be heard. It is a matter of life and death. It is a disgrace to all in America that I live and others die because, and only because, I have insurance and they do not.

Come visit my store on CafePress!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Life is good, even when it's hard

Spent the whole last week at the hospital with my Mother, she is getting better which is good.

I am at my lowest weight in years and have 1.6 pounds to lose for my first goal and 6.6 ponds to lose for my realistic ultimate goal. I could make that 5 more, but everyone says not to get too thin. In any case much of the recent loss has come from stress and lack of appetite so I am trying to get back to reality and eating. I quit eating meat a while back and I don't miss it at all.

For a couple days all I wanted to eat/drink was coffee and candy. Nice diet ~NOT!

This economy sucks for us.....not sure how everything will turn out.

Right know I am just trying to keep my sh*t together and take care of everyone the best I can. Peace ~ ub

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

"The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else." ~ George Bernard Shaw

Monday, August 3, 2009

the scale is my friend this week


Hit an all time low today!!!!! That is since I started tracking, recording and trying to lose the extra pounds....It's really starting to pay off. I think we all started about 10 months ago. If I can hit my goal within a year I will be really excited.
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Sunday, August 2, 2009

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

please come to Boston

"Please come to Boston for the springtime
I'm stayin' here with some friends and they've got lotsa room
You can sell your paintings on the sidewalk
By a café here I hope to be workin' soon
Please come to Boston
She said "No. Would you come home to me?"

Just back from taking my middle child to his orientation at Northeastern University in Boston......he just loved it. He'll never be home again. One more summer then he is in a co-op program.....and I know just how he feels.

I am so excited for him, and just extremely happy that he chose a school and town that fits him so well. I am terribly sad, at the fact that he is going on his way, but I know he is ready. Seriously, on cue I can produce tears....just ask me....and poof watershed, but not that out of control balling, just those quiet tears that swell, build, and then eventually roll down your cheek.

No one talks about this part when you are staring a family, or when your baby takes his first step or scores his first goal.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

lake erie sunset

what about the "f " word?

As many of you know, and have been bore to tears over my struggle to lose my extra weight, I have been conscientiously making this effort for the last ten months. Damn! Who knew it would be so hard?

Through this I am finding myself in a predicament, where I am viewing obese/fat people as the enemy....not literally, but as a symbol of all that I have work so hard to avoid. I find myself losing respect for them and thinking, wow how in the world do you get "that big"....when I see fat children I just want to scream. Those poor children do not stand a chance, they are doomed to a life of health issues and psychological issues....what the hell are their parents thinking? I know this is not a pretty side of me but it is true.

A few of me dearest friend are quite large, and I have many acquaintances that are obese....I feel for them, because I "know" them, I know how awful they feel. No matter how many people will say they like being fat....I, for one, find that difficult to believe.

But in the general public, when the guy sitting next to me on a jet lets his blubber overflow into my seat, I just get grossed out and annoyed. Really annoyed.

In any case, I hit my lowest weight last week, and gained 1.6 back this week. It is a constant struggle, and no telling how much I would have gained if we didn't start tracking our weight at work. We had to stop the biggest loser game because it was getting too expensive. Now we just weigh in every week and support each other in the struggle.

The End of Over Eating

Saturday, July 4, 2009


Had a great time in Vegas, actually played in two live Texas Hold'em tournaments. I didn't get to the money, but in the second tourney I made it to the second to last table. Will be going back in August and as hard as this is to believe, we will be flying first class non-stop both ways for only twenty-two makes me laugh. Got to love AMEX points and frequent flyer miles. Our hotel will be comped as well, so how could we not go??.

The city was really crowed with tourists, but many tables, both gambling and in restaurants, were empty. I think more people spent more time at the pool and sight-seeing rather than spending their cash on food and gambling.

Flying in as we looked down we saw endless residential development stopped in their tracks. The ground had been graded, ready to build but zero home building taking place. There were empty lots in the thousands. It was quite eerie.

Happy 4th to everyone!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss

Sunday, June 21, 2009

next stop.... the "bell"

Looking forward to a short get away....

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

simply spectacular

This was taken today, tomorrow looks like another awesome bloom day. This is my front walk. I was given the arbor last year for mother's day. The roses are about the size of large oranges, and have hundreds of petals.

Small wonders...... what a long hard winter it has been.......

Thursday, June 11, 2009

scary ice

She was born on 6-6, and she just turn two. This is the scary face she makes when she gets mad, it looks a lot worse than it really is. In this photo she is protecting her stick. Icey is currently in the midst of training. Not because of this face but rather because she doesn't listen and she runs our life. Icey actually has her own personal trainer now, plus I train daily when the trainer isn't here.

Funny thing I never knew the most important command is to teach your dog is to come when called. The trainer told me that Icey's number one issue was failure to listen. This has actual been quite a learning experience for me, as well as Icey.

I have sweeter photos of her, but this one kind of shows how bossy she can be. It's really amazing how dogs think and how manipulative they can be. I always just thought it was the way she was, and nothing I could do about it.

We are just finishing week one and there has already been great improvement.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

one of my beauties

This rose has been a favorite of mine for the last couple years. It's called Rainbow Sorbet. Same rose different lighting.

Friday, May 29, 2009

checking in or checking out

Isn’t he the cutest thing you ever saw….that’s my Batman at a dog self-serve wash salon. What a trip, he was very good. Awe.

Been through prom, graduation is next. My children are 17,18 and 19 years old right now……I am looking forward a trip to Vegas, I have been given 3 free nights at the Bellagio, if I don’t take advantage of that then I am just an idiot.

My weight loss has stopped, I haven’t been trying, which really pisses me off……My son will be attending Northeastern University in Boston, my Daughter tells me she may not come home (from NYC) next summer, and my youngest will graduate High School next year, 2010 June.

My Hub had a successful first season coaching at the college level, and had a few athletes make it to the Nationals. I am very happy for's great to watch. He is on a high……I think I am on a low. The other day a notice arrived in the mail…for my youngest to get his senior photo made me cry.

Anyway, I hope all is well with you all……hope to re-connect when it starts snowing……or after I get everyone back to school.

(I have not checked my email, but I have been watching the titles of the guys rock!....looks like good stuff going on.)

Peace~ UB

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Global Warming, What Can I Do?

I saw this polar bear strolling on thin ice, and it left me to wonder, “What can a Burrito like me do to stop global warming?”

First: understand the problem:
There are numerous articles linked from this page that offer a wealth of information. (be sure to look at the North Pole retreating ice graphic about half way down the page)

Second: simple lifestyle adjustments:
- Switch motors = bike, walk, carpool, combine trips, public transportation

- Eat Greener = eat less meat and dairy

- Smarter homes = lower your thermostat, use new fluorescent bulbs, unplug tvs, chargers and computers

Third: get involved!
Please take a moment to visit
At you can join over one million other supporters to demand our leaders to freeze and reduce carbon dioxide emissions now. Also on this page you will see over 30 relatively easy and quick methods for you to “individually” make a difference. I know, not everyone can make every change listed, but real change comes from each individual action. Be aware of global warming in your daily life and express your concerns to your friends and family. “We are all contributors to global warming and we all need to be part of the solution.”

You can also get involved locally by encouraging your neighbors, city, schools and other organizations to think about the global warming problem with each decision they make. Encourage recycling, bike paths, ride share, eliminating plastic bags and less wasteful use of energy in heating and lighting. The list goes on and on but in reality there is no time to waste. Our planet needs your help.


Sunday, March 29, 2009

'Most religious leaders are fools'

"The author and playwright Hanif Kureishi was born in London in 1954. He is the author of The Buddha of Suburbia, Intimacy and Something to Tell You."
Here he briefly tells BBC News his thoughts about religion."

"What do you think happens after you die?"

"You dissolve into the minds of others, and you haunt them until they are tired of you, and even after."

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

what’s new(s)?

About 19 years ago, I could watch a live military briefing covering the Gulf War every morning. CNN Headline news was available 24/7 and covered the big global events. Their sister station, CNN, was dedicated to live coverage of breaking news.

Today, broadcast news is a combination of broadcasted AP reports and specialized “news shows”, which are mixtures of opinions, interviews and items found on the internet. Local area news averages 7 minutes of murder, house fires and street closings, before moving on to their respective network news reels feeds, sport and weather.

The internet has become great resource for news and information, no doubt about it. Newspapers and networks alike have made the internet their new home. However, this change in how we acquire information has left me to wonder if we are only reading and learning about things we find interesting. Are we essentially cutting ourselves off from a more diverse understanding and awareness of our world?

Young Adults Are Giving Newspapers Scant Notice
Six of 10 Online Adults Watch Online Video, Most Prefer Professional Quality
Mobile News Network