Friday, February 19, 2010

never change

The inability to be kind, loving and understanding will never become an ability for those that are my living family of origin. I am sorry to continually contemplate this, as I know this is not makes so many things make sense. The hurt is real, and deep.

I now understand many people better. I understand their pain, their frustration and their sadness. I understand why they turn to different things to quiet the hurt, whether it's drugs, risky behavior, or irresponsible decisions.

I have been blindly living in denial. I never needed their love and support to get by before, so I assumed it was there. I knew that they were kind of mean and cold towards me growing up, but I made excuses. I finished college and I moved away. I was happy living away but I started forgetting the family negatives. I began believing I had a close-to-perfect family. I missed that "perfect" family, I missed being there. I wanted to be near them. I truly believe they existed. Pffft, what an idiot I was.

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